brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Welp...herpes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
