they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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