I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
