i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
