Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
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