Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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