pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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