I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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