the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize