Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize