are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
