I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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