i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
