I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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