I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
