The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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