I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
where are you?
Hypothermia
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
