I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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