I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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