I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
