he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
