Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize