HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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