when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
