Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you win again, gameday.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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