I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
