Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
