Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
