only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
