I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
