I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
