Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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