I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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