My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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