An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
