I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize