well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
