Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
