i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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