We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize