STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
