I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
