I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
