When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
