Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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