You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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