We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
