I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things šš
You couldnāt remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders āunlimited hand frittersā if they wouldnāt cut you off.
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