the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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