I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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