A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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