on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
