I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
