Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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