i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
