As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
