Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
