Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize