I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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